he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Boobs are out for the taking
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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