The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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