So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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