No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
