I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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