There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Why is there bacon in the couch?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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