The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
