Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
