I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
