Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
