she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
