I cockslap morals
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
the day after is always just damage control
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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