don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
