I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
