she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
