Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
