are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
