So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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