STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
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