we're chasing vodka with high fives
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
