Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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