you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
So squirting runs in the family.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
