Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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