Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize