she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
