I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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