Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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