worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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