So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
