I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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