I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I could fuck to npr.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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