That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
