I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.