wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
