I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You are a genius and a whore.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
