remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
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