I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
