I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
