I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
