Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
