How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
