roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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