my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I don't think brook has ever known best
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
