my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
