I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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