This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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