last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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