I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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