so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
