just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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