remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
