Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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