im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
