A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
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When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He did a backflip because drugs
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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