I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
