he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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