I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
