tonight lets celebrate not being married
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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