I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
