I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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